Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays. So how come going there gets people so stressed out?

"We expect too much," said Don Bower, a human development specialist with the University of Georgia Extension Service. "We picture the perfect day, and things never go exactly as we plan. So we sometimes end up disappointed."

Many family traditions revolve around the holidays, Bower said. And understanding a little about traditions can help make these family gatherings happier times.

"All families have traditions," he said. "And they're important. They help define who families are. The family may not be all relatives; we may include the widow next door. We want to spend our time with people we're closest to, and that's part of what makes us a family."

That sense of family can add to the anxiety, though, when family members are missing. "Changes in the family makeup, because of death or divorce, can add a lot of pain," Bower said.

Other things that make holidays anxious times, he said, can be easy to predict.

"Families often live some distance apart," he said, "and getting back together brings up old disagreements that were never resolved."

Even when the conflict is between only two people, the whole family gets tense. And if it goes on long enough, it becomes a painful part of the family tradition.

"There are negative traditions," Bower said. "An uncle always gets drunk. Or mom and dad always seem to fight. Some traditions weaken families, instead of making them stronger."

Some families may arrive at a kind of truce. They go through the motions of family gatherings without ever resolving the conflicts. Others use the holidays to begin a resolution.

The trick to having great family traditions, Bower said, is to keep a good balance between always doing things a certain way and being able to change when a need arises.

"Just because Mom and Grandma always had a huge turkey doesn't mean you have to have one now," he said. "Family members now may not want to spend hours in the kitchen, or eat leftovers for a week.

"The point of family traditions is to share a positive experience," he said. "Sometimes we need to loosen up. We need to have the good sense to not keep on doing things that create more pain than pleasure."

Many families are starting new traditions of generosity around the holidays, Bower said. They volunteer at homeless shelters or cook for soup kitchens. They include friends without families in their own family celebrations. Or they help with fund drives for toys for needy children.

"Sharing our blessings with others," he said, "is a very positive tradition for children -- and adults -- to support."