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Published on 09/13/01

Talking With Children When Talking Gets Tough

The terrorist attack on America has captured the attention of the nation, and it should. Children, however, have a hard time putting these emotionally charged events into perspective. They need the help of the adults around them.

So what is a parent, teacher or other caring adult to do when terrorist violence fills the airwaves and the consciousness of America?

  • Assume kids know about it.
  • They probably know more than you think. The reality of today's world is that news travels far and wide. Adults and children learn about tragedies shortly after they occur, and live video footage with close-ups and interviews are part of the report. Children and teens are exposed to the events as soon as they can watch TV or interact with others who watch it. Not talking about it doesn't protect children. In fact, you may communicate that the subject is taboo and that you're unavailable if you remain silent.

  • Reassure young people and help them feel safe.
  • When tragic events occur, children may be afraid that the same will happen to them. Some young children may even think that it already did happen to them. It's important to let them know they're not at risk -- if they're not. Try to be realistic as you reassure them, however. You can try to support them and protect them, but you can't keep all bad things from happening to children. You can always tell them you love them, though. You can say that no matter what happens, your love will be with them. That's realistic, and often that's all the children need to feel better.

  • Be available and "askable."
  • Let kids know it's OK to talk about the unpleasant events. Listen to what they think and feel. By listening, you can find out if they have misunderstandings, and you can learn more about the support they need. Don't explain more than they're ready to hear. But be willing to answer their questions.

  • Share your feelings.
  • Tell young people if you feel afraid, angry or frustrated. It can help them to know that others are upset, too. They might feel that only children are struggling. If you tell them about your feelings, you can also tell them about how you deal with the feelings. Be careful not to overwhelm them or expect them to find answers for you.

  • Support children's concern for people they don't know.
  • Children often are afraid not only for themselves, but also for people they don't even know. They learn that many people are getting hurt. They worry about those people and their well-being. In some cases, they might feel less secure or cared for themselves if they see others are hurting. It's heartwarming and satisfying to observe this level of caring in children. Explore ways to help others and ease the pain.

  • Look for feelings beyond fear.
  • After reassuring kids, don't stop there. Studies have shown that children also may feel sad or angry. Let them express that full range of emotions. Support the development of caring and empathy. Be careful not to encourage the kind of response given by one child: "I don't care if there's a war, as long as it doesn't affect me and my family."

  • Reestablish routine as soon as possible.
  • Getting back to a normal schedule helps reassure children that their world can again be predictable.

  • Help children use creative outlets like art and music to express their feelings.
  • Younger children may not be comfortable or skilled with words, especially in relation to difficult situations. Using art, puppets, music or books might help them open up about their reactions. They may want to draw pictures and then destroy them. Or they could want to display them or send them to someone else. Be flexible and listen.

  • Help children and youth find a course of action.
  • One important way to reduce stress is to take action. This is true for both adults and children. The action may be simple or more complex. Children may want to write a letter to someone about their feelings, get involved in an organization committed to preventing events like the one they're dealing with, or send money to help victims or interventionists. Let the young people help identify the action choices. They may have wonderful ideas.

  • Take action with them.
  • It's not enough to let children take action by themselves. Children feel hope when they know their parents, teachers or other significant caregivers are working to make a difference. They feel safer and more positive about the future. So do something. It'll make you feel more hopeful, too. And hope is one of the most valuable gifts we can give children and ourselves.